Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
