dude i'm inner monologue high
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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