I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
