Rock
Scissors
Fuck
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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