A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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