I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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