The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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