My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
