You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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