Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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