You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
