My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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