I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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