i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
