Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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