he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
