I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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