I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
