I can text with my tongue
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
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shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half