My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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