You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.