thanks...oh and i got my period
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.