Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
