you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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