I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize