one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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