I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
