some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
