We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
