There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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