I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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