as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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