hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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