Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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