My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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