i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
