nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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