Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
