i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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