And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
