The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
