I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Plan B is the new Plan A
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
