Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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