If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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