Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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