a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Buhtt sex?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
