so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I smell stomach acid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
