I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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