i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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