I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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