After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
