dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
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Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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