um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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