One girl and one boy is just not enough.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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