I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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