whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
