Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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