Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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