why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
