I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
